The Liberty of Norton Folgate

BELLE: Here you are!

ANDY: Yeah, I needed somewhere to think.

BELLE: No good staring out that window, you won't see anything. Come back downstairs.

ANDY: I'm not sure I could stomach any more cheap beer and pickled eggs. Norton's out there, trying to save the world.

BELLE: And you're nice and safe.

ANDY: When we can leave, there might be nothing left out there. He can't do this on his own. He's my... He's my friend.

BELLE: He's no one's friend.

ANDY: It's what he'd like to think, but that's not true.

BELLE: You should be worrying about your other friend.

ANDY: Oh, Lyme? Why?

GIDEON: Because I've worked out who you really are.

WATCHMAN: We're closed.

NORTON: So I'd expect, it's four o'clock in the morning.

WATCHMAN: Museum opens at nine.

NORTON: Not for me. Unlock this gate and let me in.

WATCHMAN: No can do.

NORTON: Listen, I've not slept for two nights, I'm feeling wretched and everyone I work with is dead.

WATCHMAN: That so?

NORTON: And you're in great danger. Listen. Can you hear that?

WATCHMAN: Uh, no.

NORTON: No, of course not. Much easier to ignore, snug as a bug behind your gates.

WATCHMAN: It's none of my business.

NORTON: Oh absolutely. How recent are the blood stains on these bars?

WATCHMAN: Uh-

NORTON: How many people have you turned a blind ear to? These last few nights, how many have you let die?

WATCHMAN: I can't go letting people in, it's more than my job's worth.

NORTON: My job's worth, yes, I've been learning how much a job's worth. So long as you're safe, that's all that matters, only...

WATCHMAN: What are you doing?

NORTON: Melting the lock. Now it'll take two minutes. In that time, yes, those creatures out there may well devour me in front of you but that's fine you've seen it all before.

WATCHMAN: Uhm-

NORTON: You're steeled to people begging for help as they're torn apart.

WATCHMAN: Oh, oh.

NORTON: Problem is with this lock gone these lovely iron gates won't save you and as you know these creatures are vicious.

WATCHMAN: Ah! What do you want me to do?

NORTON: Open the side gate quickly. I'm here to save this city. Sometimes not sure it's worth it.

ANDY: Would you like some crisps?

GIDEON: No.

ANDY: I'd like some crisps. We could go down and get some. You have to salt them yourself, it's amazing.

GIDEON: I don't want crisps, I want answers.

ANDY: You really just said that.

GIDEON: I did. Who are you, really?

ANDY: Andy Davidson. I've come from the 21st century because Norton is in trouble. You remember, we turned up naked in your bedroom.

GIDEON: But that's not the first time I met you.

ANDY: It isn't?

GIDEON: When I arrived here, everything fell apart. But someone pushed me out of the way of a cab, got me my job back, gave me a briefcase.

ANDY: Uh, I didn't give you a briefcase.

GIDEON: Aha! Got you.

ANDY: Uh...

GIDEON: And the George Ezra Fund. What's that? Who tipped me off about Norton? Who led me to that cafe? You! You were there!

ANDY: Okay, I was.

GIDEON: Norton thinks you appeared out of thin air and rescued him, but you've been here…

ANDY: Weeks, on and off, setting things up.

GIDEON: So when you said your time watch-

ANDY: Vortex manipulator.

GIDEON: Was broken, really?

ANDY: Battery's flat, I drained it. I could get us out of here if we had power.

GIDEON: But you wasted it, nipping around in my life, why?

ANDY: Because I haven't just come to help Norton. I've come to save him and he needs you for that.

WATCHMAN: I ain’t ought to let you in here.

NORTON: It is entirely better than leaving me out on the streets, like you did with the others.

WATCHMAN: Well, not my job, was it?

NORTON: And there's that Blitz spirit.

WATCHMAN: What would someone like you know about defending his country?

NORTON: Someone like me, I see. Left here.

WATCHMAN: What do you want with the Elgin Marbles at four o'clock in the bloody morning?

NORTON: It's what's behind them, Torchwood weapons cache. Stay here on guard.

WATCHMAN: On guard he says. On guard from what?

NORTON: May have broken your gates after all.

WATCHMAN: Ah, right.

ANDY: Ooh! Reeks of stale beer and mice.

GIDEON: Do you think the mice live forever?

ANDY: Oh, let's not think about that.

GIDEON: What are we looking for?

ANDY: A way out... a tunnel?

GIDEON: But why me?

ANDY: I asked the Torchwood computer how to save Norton and your name came up.

GIDEON: Mine? Do you do what computers tell you in the future?

ANDY: Oh yes. Look, you... Sorry. But you died. The other week, the cab.

GIDEON: Right. Oh. Right.

ANDY: The computer told me that if I saved you, you'd do what I wanted.

GIDEON: Which was?

ANDY: Bring Torchwood down. This version of it. It's wrong. Whoever gave you that briefcase knows it. Torchwood needs exposing and Norton needs saving from it. And you are gonna do that.

GIDEON: Okay. Then we need to get out of here.

NORTON: So, thinking aloud...

WATCHMAN: What?

NORTON: Oh, forgotten you were there! You'd make a terrible hero but a great sounding board. Now then-

WATCHMAN: Those things are inside the museum!

NORTON: And a deadline, perfect! So, what do we know about them? Well, for a start, they're mushrooms, they're all over London, and they thrive in a pea-souper. And we're going to stop them.

WATCHMAN: Why?

NORTON: Because it's heroic!

WATCHMAN: How?

NORTON: I know, bless, but sometimes life demands that we throw ourselves in front of fate's charabanc.

WATCHMAN: I’m no hero!

NORTON: Tonight you're going to be. What's in fog?

WATCHMAN: Ay?

NORTON: The fog, what's actually in it?

WATCHMAN: Well it’s coal and stuff innit?

NORTON: Oh, I can see your science degree got you this job. Those things adapt slowly to our atmosphere. The smog is full of sulphur dioxide, which they're thriving in.

WATCHMAN: They're getting close. Come on. I'm coming in with you.

NORTON: Certainly not. You're being the hero, remember? There's not enough room to swing a gerbil and I need to find something. Something that'll work.

WATCHMAN: You are getting a weapon, aren’t you?

NORTON: In the right hands, knowledge is a weapon.

WATCHMAN: Hurry up, they're here!

NORTON: Keep calm, I'll be with you in a tick. Think normal thoughts.

WATCHMAN: What?

NORTON: Think of your family. Er, wife? Kid?

WATCHMAN: No!

NORTON: Oh, then all's good. Ah, splendid! Nearly there. Live on your own then?

WATCHMAN: Er, well, er, railway guys, by Waterloo, er... Er, Endicott Terrace.

NORTON: Ah! Number?

WATCHMAN: Er, 14!

NORTON: Oh… Nice! Ah, universal catalyser. That'll do.

WATCHMAN: Have you got something?

NORTON: Yes!

WATCHMAN: Because we really need a weapon right now!

NORTON: Ah!

WATCHMAN: What?

NORTON: There are no weapons in here. Have some sense of decorum, it's the British Museum.

WATCHMAN: But you said-

NORTON: Just a tick, hero. Busy.

WATCHMAN: What is this? [Unintelligible]

NORTON: Relax, this is your moment.

WATCHMAN: What? Are you coming out? Do something! For God’s sake, they’re gonna kill me!

NORTON: Yes.

WATCHMAN: Ah, there they are! Listen, it’s behind me! [Unintelligible]

NORTON: Ah, so sad. And I still need a massive power source. Oh, and a way out.

ANDY: Listen to me, you cannot do this!

GIDEON: Do you want to get out of here or not?

ANDY: Yeah bu-

BELLE: Ahem!

GIDEON: Oh.

ANDY: Oh.

BELLE: I wonder where you got to. I figured it might be the gents, but after I'd given it half an hour-

ANDY: Half an hour?

BELLE: Norton's friends.

ANDY: Yeah, fair point.

BELLE: And here you are in my cellar, which is off limits.

GIDEON: We were looking for a way out.

BELLE: I see.

ANDY: I thought there might be a- a- a secret tunnel.

BELLE: People come and go from the Stagnum Pond by the door.

GIDEON: But I found another way.

GIDEON: This.

BELLE: Leave that alone, it's the Parnaeum.

ANDY: It's what powers this place, isn't it?

BELLE: It anchors the Stagnant Pond.

GIDEON: Use it to put us back.

BELLE: It don't work like that. And keep away from it, you won't be able to touch it. See? Paradox shield. Woman who put it in knew her oat. No getting past it unless you don't exist. You're staying.

ANDY: As guests or hostages?

BELLE: Who's counting? Leave that thing alone, sonny.

GIDEON: Actually, I'm supposed to be dead, so...

ANDY: Oh.

GIDEON: There we go.

BELLE: You put the Parnaeum back this instant.

GIDEON: Let us go.

BELLE: Put it back. There's a good boy.

GIDEON: Norton's out there, and I think he's doing something stupid.

ANDY: So let us go and be stupid with him, please.

BELLE: No. If he wins, he'll owe me, and if he loses, well, his friendship costs.

ANDY: Ha, tell me about it.

BELLE: I shan't ask you again. You're just putting us in danger and you can do bugger all with the Parnaeum.

ANDY: Actually, Lyme, maybe she's got a-

GIDEON: Here, catch.

ANDY: Huh? Oh, ah.

ANDY: What’s happening to me? Lyme?

BELLE: What are you doing?

GIDEON: Recharging Andy's time watch.

ANDY: Vortex manipulator. And, ohh.

BELLE: Give me the Parnaeum back! You'll strand us in time!

GIDEON: Too late. We're going to save Norton. Andy!

ANDY: Wait! Wait, no!

ANDY: Oh, what... What did you do? All those people, Lyme!

GIDEON: We had to make a decision, we've got to save London. They didn't care.

ANDY: All the same!

GIDEON: Something had to be done, and we've done it.

ANDY: Okay, you have been spending too much time with Norton.

GIDEON: Yeah. Now where is he?

ANDY: Well, if my, er, time watch is still on psychic mode, it should have honed in on him. So he should be-

NORTON: Help! Help!

ANDY: Ah, there he is!

NORTON: Andrew! Lyme! I'm so very glad to see you!

GIDEON: We escaped!

ANDY: Came looking for you!

NORTON: Of course you did, naughty boys!

GIDEON: You brought a whole load of monsters with you!

NORTON: Yes! Is that the Parnaeum? Possibly the greatest power source in London? Very naughty boys! Poor Stagnant Pond! Anywho, long story short, got weapon, distraction didn't work, those creatures have my scent. Room for a little one?

ANDY: Oh! Are we... are we hugging?

NORTON: No, I'm driving. Click your heels, Dorothy! We're going to the Festival of Britain!

NORTON: With one bound, the musketeers were free.

GIDEON: Oh God! Excuse me.

NORTON: Ugh, and there's always someone to ruin the moment. That's twice tonight. Have you got a boiled sweet?

ANDY: Why have you brought us to a building site?

NORTON: Not just any building site, this is where the Festival of Britain was. Exactly where I need to be to save London, if not the world.

ANDY: Are you enjoying yourself?

NORTON: Might well be. I know you've had your doubts about me in the past, Andy, but this time, I'm the hero.

NORTON: You see, those creatures are getting ready to spore and that's toodle civilization. Now off you go.

ANDY: You're not gonna…

NORTON: Nobly sacrifice myself? We'll see. Meet you back at Soho Square. Light a flare when you're there and hurry.

ANDY: What?

NORTON: Because there are some asbestos suits in a truck and you'll need them in 30 minutes.

GIDEON: Why?

NORTON: Or you'll die. Shoo!

GIDEON: (groan)

ANDY: Feeling better?

GIDEON: No. What's going on?

ANDY: Norton has a plan. We need to get to Soho Square, now.

GIDEON: Okay.

ANDY: Not a problem. We activate the vortex manipulator and... Of course, he's stolen it.

NORTON: Sorry!

NORTON: Ugh, I’m feeling my age. Here's the spot, uhm, I think.

NORTON: Of course there's one of you roaming the South Bank. Do I have time for you? I do not. But do you know where the Skylon used to be? Big statue, bit like a rocket. No? Norton needs it. Gently, gently.

NORTON: Bullseye! Ah! So that's why you're drawn to me! Advanced technology! You can smell it on me! And from an evolutionary point of view, it's a threat to you! That's why you're here! You can sense the Skylon, can't you? And you don't like it one bit!

NORTON: You're not playing fair, you know! Who likes blood? Fido likes blood! Bad boy, Fido! It's not fair! I'm trying to be a hero! Where has it got me? I'm down, I’m wounded! I could use the Parnaeum to escape, but... If I did, then who'd save London? Not that I'm in any state to save London! Did you see the Skylon? Torchwood gave a UFO to the Festival of Britain. Fun fact, people assumed that the steel cables were holding it up. Actually, they were holding it down. It's true! Antigrav rocket! After the exhibition, there was talk of just letting it go as we couldn't find a power source for it. Instead, well, we buried it.

NORTON: Ah! You've not listened to a word I've said! Never mind.

GIDEON: I've got- got to get my breath.

ANDY: I know, it doesn't help when you can't see a bloody thing, and this bridge goes on for miles.

GIDEON: How long? How long do we have left? London's odd at this hour.

ANDY: When it's empty, yeah. Cardiff's the same. Wrecked, but awesome.

GIDEON: I can just see Big Ben. That's about it. Come to London.

ANDY: See the sights, yeah, yeah. My dad brought me here when I was a kid. I wanted Madame Tussauds or the dungeon, the tower. Instead, we watched a match on the big screen in a pub. Oh well.

GIDEON: What is that?

ANDY: Taxis<./p>

GIDEON: They're hunting us.

ANDY: They've got our scent again.

NORTON: We have liftoff!

NORTON: Oh, good, I see you managed to grab hold on something too, how dolly! Yes, we are now several hundred feet above London and getting higher all the time. Can I tell you something? Not been the best of years. This has all got out of hand. I've lost everyone I know and I may have sent the only two people I can count as friends to their death. And, let's not forget, I'm clinging to the side of a rocket and I'm really, really, really, really bad at heights. Oh my God! So could you please fall off? I would really appreciate one less thing to worry about now. Here's what I've got to do. I've got to open this panel here. Which involves... Oh my dear sweet Mary's boy child Jesus Christ. Letting go with one hand. Which is just... Oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God. Actually did it. Ah! Now I have to plug the universal catalyser in. And an alien power source. And learn how to steer the Skylon. Before I faint from terror or lack of oxygen. Could you please just sod off? There's a poppet! Professor Quatermass didn't have to put up with this! He just had to appeal to the monster's better nature and wait till it killed itself! Ah! The thing is, you and I both know, no one has a better nature!

ANDY: Oh God. We made it.

GIDEON: Got them! Flair and Hazmat Suit.

ANDY: We put them on?

GIDEON: That is the idea.

ANDY: They look like they're made out of old wellies, do we have to?

GIDEON: Norton said to.

ANDY: And he wouldn't unless... fine.

GIDEON: Won't be long until those creatures find us here.

ANDY: Yeah, maybe we can get inside that bunker. Oh no, that's also full of them.

GIDEON: Yeah.

ANDY: We're a bit screwed, aren't we?

GIDEON: Yeah.

ANDY: This tends to happen with Norton. Try and tell yourself he means well.

GIDEON: As I'm dying?

ANDY: Uh-huh. Oh God, there's masses of them. Help me get this thing... God!

GIDEON: The zip's stuck. Hang on. Got it.

ANDY: Great. What do we do now?

GIDEON: There's nowhere to run.

ANDY: No.

GIDEON: Maybe these suits will keep them out. Oh, they're almost on us.

ANDY: Look, come hold my hand.

GIDEON: Yeah.

ANDY: Good luck.

GIDEON: Good luck.

ANDY: Oh God, oh God please no, no no no.

NORTON: Gah, gah. Look at how dark it is down there. Cold, isn't it? I’m doing my best. I don't always get it right, but I try. And before I die, there's just one thing I want to know. Why is it so bloody dark down there?

ANDY: The flare, light the flare!

GIDEON: What?

ANDY: We forgot to light the flare!

GIDEON: I don’t think it matters now.

ANDY: Please, light it!

GIDEON: Okay, it's down on the ground. Let me just...

ANDY: Where are you? You ducked down!

GIDEON: I can't light the flare and hold on to you.

ANDY: Okay.

GIDEON: I've done it!

ANDY: Whoa! That is bright!

GIDEON: They’re backing off!

ANDY: (laugh) Good ol’ Norton!

GIDEON: But-

ANDY: Yea, shut up.

GIDEON: They really don’t like it.

ANDY: Oh, oh, but I don't think they don't like it enough.

GIDEON: They're coming back.

ANDY: I think they're going to try and put it out.

GIDEON: If he was trying to save us, it's not worked.

ANDY: Oh, that is so Norton!

GIDEON: Can you hear that? Can you hear that?

ANDY: Are you changing the subject? What the hell is that?

GIDEON: It’s coming towards us.

ANDY: Oh my God, is it- Is that a rocket or a missile?

GIDEON: I don't believe it, it's the bloody Skylon!

ANDY: What?

GIDEON: It's gonna hit the square!

ANDY: What? It's coming right for us!

GIDEON: Run!

ANDY: Can you hear Norton?

ANDY: Lyme? Lyme, are you alive?

GIDEON: What's happening to the fog?

ANDY: The creatures. Oh, they're dissolving.

GIDEON: They've gone. They've all gone.

ANDY: Yeah.

GIDEON: What about Norton?

ANDY: He was... I think he was on that rocket.

GIDEON: He's gone?

ANDY: Yes. I'm sorry. Norton did the right thing.

NORTON: Actually, he’s stood behind you.

GIDEON: Oh!

ANDY: Oh! What the hell?

GIDEON: Norton!

NORTON: You two do look a sight. Come into the shelter, take those things off.

ANDY: Are you a ghost?

GIDEON: Is he likely to be?

ANDY: Has been known.

GIDEON: I see.

NORTON: What am I? Chopped liver? Stood right here? Hug?

ANDY: So long as it's just a hug this time.

NORTON: Er, actually, I was referring to Lyme.

GIDEON: Oh, right. It's good to see you.

NORTON: You too.

ANDY: Er, hello?

NORTON: Oh, Sergeant Gooseberry’s still here. Expecting some answers?

ANDY: Yes, please.

NORTON: Well, the fungi could adapt to any environment, but slowly. They're also compelled to hunt down anything more advanced, i.e. a threat, i.e. the two of you, with you two herding them for me.

ANDY: Herding?

GIDEON: You used us as bait.

ANDY: Get used to it.

NORTON: I adapted the Skylon into a missile with a super catalyzer payload.

GIDEON: A what now?

NORTON: Turned the sulphur dioxide in the smog into sulphuric acid. The creatures couldn't adapt, so dissolved, along with, I'm guessing, London's pigeon problem.

ANDY: Oh, wow.

NORTON: And then I made it rain.

ANDY: Of course you did.

NORTON: And down came the rain and washed all the acid out. And the smog.

GIDEON: I... I... Wow.

NORTON: I know. Ain't I something? And yes, I was going to sacrifice myself, very noble and boohoo sad. But then there was just enough charge in your vortex manipulator.

ANDY: Handy!

NORTON: Very. Ah, one last thing.

ANDY: Woah.

GIDEON: Woah.

NORTON: When I left the bunker, I turned on the gas taps. There go any remaining creatures. That's it, London is safe!

ANDY: Crikey.

NORTON: So, Lyme?

GIDEON: Yes? Are we going to kiss?

NORTON: In a moment. And it's going to be amazing.

ANDY: Shall I give you two a second?

NORTON: Thanks.

NORTON: But first, you're a journalist, Lyme. You could write the story of Torchwood, or the story of how Lizbeth Hayhoe's brilliant ambition nearly wiped out the human race, or how London was terrorised by Nazi mushrooms. What happens next in the story is up to you.

GIDEON: Wow.

NORTON: But Torchwood is dead, and Torchwood never dies. Join me, we'll rebuild it.

GIDEON: You and me? (laugh) Restart Torchwood?

NORTON: Yes. Fun! Oh, and we have a dog now.

GIDEON: I don't even have a home. Nor do you.

NORTON: Actually, I've just inherited a new one. 14 Endicott Terrace. It's not much, but it's a start.

GIDEON: Um... Okay. Does it... have a bed?

NORTON: Well, let's go to Covent Garden Market, find a pub, get kaylied, then find out.

GIDEON: You're on.

NORTON: I just need a word with Andy.

NORTON: One vortex manipulator.

ANDY: Thank you. I've got a confession.

NORTON: You?

ANDY: Yeah, normally our adventures involve you manipulating me.

NORTON: No!

ANDY: This time it was me. I've been here for weeks. I rescued Lyme. I put him onto you.

NORTON: You set us up, you cupid you!

ANDY: I wanted him to expose Torchwood to save you.

NORTON: And he has. I'm all that's left of Torchwood, and he'll be exposing me later.

ANDY: Good to know. But, look, you've a chance. You're suited, he's a good man.

NORTON: Is he?

ANDY: I mean, OK, he did throw the Stagnant Pond into the Time Vortex. So maybe you two.. Look, rebuild Torchwood and make it good this time, yeah?.

NORTON: I absolutely will. Especially as this time you've outsmarted me. Well, I bow to you, you diabolical mastermind.

ANDY: Thank you. It is actually my first time at manipulating anyone, really. It's not gone badly.

NORTON: I'll say, you've helped me save London.

ANDY: Yep.

NORTON: Gangland's been wiped out, especially a group of time travellers who were threatening Torchwood and me.

ANDY: That's right.

NORTON: All thanks to their power source, which could only be removed by someone who was a paradox. Thank heavens you saved poor Lyme.

ANDY: Yes. Wait.

NORTON: I put the details in the computer.

ANDY: What?

NORTON: They brought you here, got you to save Lyme. I slipped him a briefcase full of gossip about Torchwood. Exposing them was my backup plan.

ANDY: Wait, your backup plan?

NORTON: Oh yes. I'll admit Plan A went a bit wonky, but we pulled it out of the fire.

ANDY: Hang on.

NORTON: Don't say a word to Lyme, will you? He thinks the world of me. Time for you to go home, Sergeant Andy. And thank you.

ANDY: What- No-

NORTON: Believe me, it took a lot of doing. But there was one mistake. One thing I regret. Lizbeth was never supposed to open that package, it was meant to go to Rigsby. Still, you can't have everything. Or can you? Shall we find out?