The Spread

NORTON: A hero would go back for them.

NORTON: On the other hand, this could be very neat.

ANDY: Norton!

GIDEON: Where are you?

NORTON: Agh. Grab my hand! That's right, grab Andy’s! Okay! And heave!

NORTON: That should keep them out.

ANDY: Were you leaving us to die?

NORTON: I was getting the door ready so they didn't have time to climb in after you and kill us all.

GIDEON: Okay.

ANDY: You were thinking about it.

NORTON: Gratitude.

GIDEON: Okay.

ANDY: It wouldn't be the first time you've only just done the right thing.

NORTON: Uh, I will happily-

GIDEON: Okay, shut up! You two, please, please! We nearly just died. Again. Never been hunted before in my life, never met an alien before, never been gassed, had a house blow up or been thrown out on the street because the man I invited over brought a naked time traveller. Actually, I've never invited anyone over to my room before, especially not a man. So actually, that in itself was quite a big first for me. And ordinarily, that would have been a thing to think about. But, I haven't even had a chance to catch my breath. And you two just keep on squabbling, and I just want a moment. But no, I don't get a moment. Instead, I'm stuck in an underground bunker, about to be killed by a giant mushroom.

NORTON: Oh my God, they are mushrooms!

ANDY: No, Norton, say sorry!

NORTON: Lyme, I'm sorry, forgive Andy, he can't help being Andy. And we really need to talk more about mushrooms, because that's a connection I should have made but hadn't, and it's so obvious it feels like it just turned up in a clown car. But, can you tie a knot in your hanky and we'll come back to it in a minute, promise? Because it may have slipped your attention but those things are trying the keypad!

ANDY: They can't get in, can they?

NORTON: They can because you've not worked out why they were in the bunker in the first place. Trust me, any second now they're going to get the combination.

GIDEON: Is it not working?

NORTON: Because they've partially unlocked their side, the airlock thinks there isn't a seal. So it's not going to let us out until that lock resets and that's not going to happen because... Oh, golly, they're learning fast.

GIDEON: Smart mushrooms.

ANDY: What can we do? And, um, die is not an answer.

GIDEON: That panel over there, does it get us into the lock?

NORTON: No, sweet cheeks, don't try and backseat drive, not now. That's just for servicing. Ooh, ooh, ooh!

NORTON: Okay, you two, get back against the far wall, as far away from those things, and this cable as you-

ANDY: Don't need telling, thank you.

NORTON: Wait for it. Wait for it. Oh, Lyme, did I notice you had a gold tooth?

GIDEON: Present from my uncle. Why?

NORTON: Because it suits you and I'm really sorry.

ANDY: Here they come!

NORTON: Take that, you brutes!

NORTON: Sorry, I’ve turned the anti-bacterial purge up. I'm afraid it doesn't think of you as life, but as parasite!

NORTON: Well, they won't want to try getting out that way again.

GIDEON: My jaw!

ANDY: I feel like I've been punched!

NORTON: Sorry. I think you two deserve a drink.

NORTON: Oh, mind your back Ducky, coming through. Now, you'll be quite safe here. Enjoy your drinks.

GIDEON: Thanks. What are they?

NORTON: Gin?

ANDY: Is there any chance of a pint?

NORTON: No.

ANDY: Crisps?

NORTON: Now you two stay here. I'm off to answer a call of nature. Back before you know it!

GIDEON: I don't really fancy this.

ANDY: Me neither.

GIDEON: Oh, this is rough.

ANDY: I'm guessing...

GIDEON: Oh, no tonic, no slice of lemon, no ice, just gin.

ANDY: Is this a pub for alcoholic grandmothers?

GIDEON: Why do you think Norton brought us here?

ANDY: Because it's open?

GIDEON: What time is it?

ANDY: Maybe two in the morning?

GIDEON: It's still open.

ANDY: Well, that's soho.

GIDEON: No, it isn't. Look at the clock on the wall.

ANDY: Quarter to eleven.

GIDEON: Something about this place isn't right.

ANDY: Everyone's staring at us. Do you think that's a bit odd?

GIDEON: Not in my experience of English pubs.

ANDY: Oh, right, yeah, sorry. But still, the regulars, they're all in fancy dress. Oh no, wait, Teddy Boy Gangs, that's the 1950s, isn't it?

GIDEON: 1950s. Those clothes are old, some of them are very old.

ANDY: Maybe they're actors?

GIDEON: This place, it's called the Stagnant Pond.

ANDY: Yeah.

GIDEON: And Norton referred to a stagnant pond gang.

ANDY: I was hoping you hadn't noticed.

GIDEON: I had no chance. Something's not right here, is it?

ANDY: No.

GIDEON: We can ask Norton when he gets back.

ANDY: Yeah.

GIDEON: He's not coming back, is he?

ANDY: No, no he's not.

NORTON: Well, so long as they're not hunting me. Ah, officer! Just the person I need to see. My name is Norton Folgate. I work for Torchwood. We fight aliens and we may have accidentally released an alien fungus onto the streets of London. I need your help to stop it.

NORTON: Hello? Ah, do excuse me, I can't see a thing. You know, fog, middle of the night. Can I just have a borrow of your torch? Thank you.

NORTON: Oh, yes. I appear to be a bit late to help you. Sorry. No, no, stay back! Stay back!

GIDEON: He can't have abandoned us here.

ANDY: Oh, but he can.

GIDEON: He treats people like...

ANDY: Pets. Yeah.

GIDEON: Well, I won't be.

BELLE: Good evening, gentlemen. How are you enjoying your drinks? Mind if I join you?

GIDEON: Andy, this is Belle.

ANDY: Sergeant Andy Davidson. Ah, uhm, I mean-

BELLE: A copper?

ANDY: Actually, we were just leaving.

BELLE: No, you weren't, dear. That's not how the stagnant pond works.

GIDEON: We just came in here for a drink.

BELLE: And you're under my protection. I'm the manageress. My name's above the door.

ANDY: “Licensed premises, Miss B. Epoch.” Belle Epoch.

BELLE: Guilty.

ANDY: And this pub is a hangout for a Teddy Boy gang?

BELLE: Not exactly, those kids over there are the original Teddy Boys. Our Bonnie Bairns. Only been here since the turn of the century. Me? I've been managing this place since the Great Fire.

GIDEON: But-

BELLE: Something happened to the Stagnant Pond, long time ago. It became stuck in time. All my regulars and I, we're trapped here.

GIDEON: I've had enough of this. I'm sorry, but I have.

ANDY: Maybe we should- Lyme- To sit down, I’ll get you a drink.

GIDEON: I’m going.

BELLE: No you ain’t.

GIDEON: You try stopping me.

GIDEON: What the?

BELLE: Stay in my pub, sonny Jim, that's right. Hold on to my hand, come on. That darkness out there is nothing. I can let go of you. You're welcome to walk out into it. But when you do, there's no way back.

ANDY: But-

BELLE: Welcome to the stagnant pond. You're here for the foreseeable.

NORTON: Inspector Gondry, always nice to know you can rely on a police box. Officers do respond to urgent calls.

GONDRY: You can count yourself lucky I was on duty. Normally when we get a 2am pansy screaming hysterically down the phone, the only official response is a clip round the ear.

NORTON: Putting the word pansy daintily to one side, I'm pleased to see you.

GONDRY: No you're not, you want something.

NORTON: Moi?

GONDRY: Last time it was a dozen of our best coppers manning a cordon while your lot cleared up a… What was it?

NORTON: Martian war machine in Leicester Square.

GONDRY: Yeah, of course it was. So, what is it our friends from Mars have done this time?

NORTON: Oh, this time Mars is innocent. It's a delightfully long story, but let's cut it short. Nazis have unleashed a plague of killer fungi on London.

GONDRY: Nazis? And killer what now?

NORTON: Mushrooms.

GONDRY: Killer Nazi mushrooms?

NORTON: Rethink that face, it ages you.

GONDRY: Well, it's bollocks.

NORTON: Gangsters have been smuggling packages onto the streets. I don't know if they thought it was guns or drugs, but each packet contained spores. Konstantin the Greek>

GONDRY: Yeah, you lot have us searching for him.

NORTON: Well, don't bother, he's dead. I think he got curious, stole his package, opened it. I saw the results. And right now, Inspector, you'll be thinking of all the people who've gone missing in the smog.

GONDRY: Crime just goes up when the weather's like this.

NORTON: But you've not found any bodies because the victims are still out there, roaming the streets, hunting.

GONDRY: Oh, come on. Why have Torchwood cooked up this load of nonsense? Why not just say you need 50 of my finest to stand around while you play super secret silly buggers? Well, I'll tell you, you can't have them. My squad are calling in sick, dropping like nine pins.

NORTON: Send some people round to their houses, they've been infected!

GONDRY: Huh?

NORTON: The infections parasitic and some hosts fight it for longer than others, but the end result is the same.

GONDRY: No it isn't!

NORTON: Wondering where the beat constable is?

GONDRY: Doing his rounds?

NORTON: No. Great thing about these police boxes, they've a phone, they've a lamp and in emergencies you can store sandwiches and people inside them.

NORTON: Bark, Fido, bark!

GONDRY: Oh my God.

ANDY: So- Sorry, but if this pub's wandering in time, how did we get here?

BELLE: Well, when this first happened, we were lost forever. But over the years, we've started to pop back occasional like. Torchwood reckons we've another 512 years before we're back in sync.

ANDY: That 12 at the end? Very Torchwood.

BELLE: And we can even leave, but we've got to get back before the shift ends. Otherwise, time catches up with us.

GIDEON: So why's Norton put us here? Are we here forever?

BELLE: No. But it wasn't long before Soho cottoned onto the stagnant pond, criminals come here to hide away for a price. Helps us build up our fluent. Your friend put you here because you're safe. That's what we can guarantee.

GIDEON: I don't want to be safe, I want to be out there.

BELLE: And you will be once this is all over. But that won't be for a while. Now, have a look at the bar. We've pork scratchings and we've pickled eggs and bar billiards. Help yourselves.

ANDY: Nice.

BELLE: We've added it all to Norton's tab.

ANDY: Good.

BELLE: He’ll owe us big time for this. Now then, enjoy your evening, it'll be a long one.

GIDEON: Unbelievable, he’s stuck us here.

ANDY: Actually, this is Norton being kind.

GIDEON: You really think so?

ANDY: Relax. He's putting us out of harm's way. It's kind of like... Oh my god, he's put us in a cattery!

NORTON: My word, this is impressive!

GONDRY: There's only a dozen, but they're sweeping the streets clean. I've had a chat with the army.

NORTON: I thought you would.

GONDRY: That's them! Bringing in flamethrowers.

NORTON: Hooray for the cavalry! It won't work, the first creature I met was walking through fire.

GONDRY: What are these things?

NORTON: Fungal spores wander through space, they can survive radiation, vacuum, and drifting through the upper atmosphere onto this planet. There's every chance the mushrooms you get with your fry-up are alien life.

GONDRY: Bugger off!

NORTON: Seriously, I think the ones we're dealing with were specially cultivated so that humanity would become the ideal host.

GONDRY: And what? We're walking compost.

NORTON: Mycelial life is efficient. They'll absorb our nutrients and intelligence. A cuckoo species. Little bit human, lot of shroom.

GONDRY: Have they any weaknesses?

NORTON: Well, it takes them time to adapt to atmospheres, so they're vulnerable to natural gas, but that'll be a short-term thing.

GONDRY: I can't really flood the streets with natural gas, can I?

NORTON: The first person to light up a woodbine loses London.

GONDRY: Anything else?

NORTON: They've a hive mind.

GONDRY: Huh?

NORTON: Fungi use their environment to communicate with each other.

GONDRY: You're kidding. How is that a weakness?

NORTON: Well, while your soldiers are running around and dying, I'll be able to sneak past them.

GONDRY: I'm sorry. Agh-

NORTON: I borrowed the constable's truncheon. Sorry, but actually, I want you to live. I may need you in the future. So you sleep that off inside this police box while the soldiers get on with distracting them.

ANDY: You can't stop looking out that window.

GIDEON: At nothing. This is so bizarre, just endless murk.

ANDY: Bizarre murk. Norton's world.

GIDEON: Are you trying to warn me off him?

ANDY: No, just, you know, be careful.

GIDEON: I think it's all incredible. I hate sitting on the sidelines, but man, the biggest Teddy Boy gang in London are actual real Edwardians!

ANDY: Yeah, led by a several hundred year old woman.

GIDEON: Oh, it's quite a story. And they're also really successful.

ANDY: How do you raid a base that doesn't exist?

GIDEON: What's going on out there, do you think?

ANDY: Well, Norton finds a way to stop those creatures and we all breathe a sigh of relief as life goes back to normal.

GIDEON: But- I'm a reporter. Shouldn't I be out there?

ANDY: The safest thing you can do is stay here and wait. Norton will come back for you, happy ending.

GIDEON: Stay here and wait. (sigh) You know the future, don't you?

ANDY: Well...

GIDEON: From your point of view, my happy ever after is long gone. I'm dead.

ANDY: But you're not yet.

GIDEON: See, we all have different endings. Do you ever get the feeling that what you thought was the beginning of a story is actually the middle?

ANDY: No, why?

GIDEON: Because I do. In fact, I know it. Because I've just realised it's happened to my life.

ANDY: I'll just go to the bar and get some lemonade.

GIDEON: Hmm, you do that.

NORTON: Right. Flamethrowers means asbestos overalls.

NORTON: I'm sorry about this. Really I am, but I don't want them thinking I'm coming. On the plus side, you soldiers get to be all heroic, they get to think they're winning. So everyone has some fun until they don't. (through a mask) Right then, back to plan A.

BELLE: Double twenty.

GIDEON: Excuse me, excuse me?

BELLE: Yes? Do you play darts?

GIDEON: No. Does it pass the time?

BELLE: No, have a go. Frankie, you're benched. Pass the pretty boy the darts.

FRANKIE: There you go.

GIDEON: Five?

BELLE: Near enough.

BELLE: Double nine.

GIDEON: How well do you know Norton?

BELLE: Well enough. I mean, I wouldn't call him a friend.

GIDEON: Ha, I see. No one does, do they?

GIDEON: Is that treble 14?

BELLE: No. He's a laugh.

BELLE: 20.

GIDEON: Am I the first, the first person he's asked you to stalk?

BELLE: I'm not going to be drawn on that. Your throw.

GIDEON: So I'm not the first.

GIDEON: 12.

BELLE: You're getting better.

BELLE: Treble nine. And yes, you're the first. It costs a lot to hide someone here. Call it a ransom.

GIDEON: And the ransom is?

BELLE: Board and lodging.

GIDEON: How much?

BELLE: Some of it's money, but in Norton's case, we're slapping on some value-added fees, influence power and a blind eye. Throw a dart, Sonny.

GIDEON: So it's costing Norton a lot to put us here.

BELLE: Your go.

GIDEON: Triple 17?

BELLE: For a man who's never played before, you've learned sharpish.

GIDEON: What about Andy? Have you seen him before?

BELLE: No, why?

BELLE: 19.

GIDEON: Because he's familiar, and he shouldn't be. That's the thing I've been realising. Not sure my life makes sense anymore, and I can't trust anyone.

BELLE: Depends on where you stand, your throw.

GIDEON: Exactly. Heroes and villains, the closer to the board you stand. The easier it is to be a hero and a cheat.

GIDEON: Triple 20.

BELLE: I thought after that little speech you were going for bullseye.

GIDEON: Obvious target, but triple 20 scores higher.

NORTON: (still speaking through a mask) I am helping you. I'm Norton Folgate. And I'm going to save the world. I'm going back where I belong.

GIDEON: We're trapped here.

BELLE: Consider it extreme hospitality.

GIDEON: Where's Andy?

BELLE: Your friend? He's around. Don't worry, he's not gone out and left you behind.

GIDEON: You sure of that?

BELLE: Sure enough. Maybe he's having a cry in the gents. Looks the type, soft boy.

GIDEON: You think so?

BELLE: Why? What you on about?

GIDEON: You can't trust Andy, he's been lying to us all.

NORTON: So I'm hoping for a good seal on this outfit. It's holding up against you so far. There we go, a few more steps. And then a few more. This was supposed to be your escape bunker. It's not gone so well for you, has it? I don't know if you can remember me, I hope you can't, but I just want all of you to know, all of you. I can't recognize you, but I used to work with you. And even though it's too late for all of you, I just wanted to say... I'm sorry!

NORTON: Little Compton Street. Here we go, back at Torchwood. I know who I've come to see.

NORTON: Hello Lizbeth. How are you?